Having gotten back from London last Sunday I didn’t set foot outside the house until Friday just gone.  What with the snow and no work or any social/professional commitments I had no reason to go out so I didn’t.  5/6 days on my own in doors – does that make me a shut in?  I’d like to think it made me a recluse but I am nowhere near famous enough to be a recluse.  You have to someone people are aware of, someone whose disappearance or absence will be noticed to be a recluse.  I am not in that category.  I can’t even afford cold medicine…That makes me a shut in…

Still, got to spend quality time on Twitter and Facebook keeping abreast of everyone’s activities and it was like I was out and about socialising with everyone.  Apparently it snowed last week, thanks for the updates…

Friday I finally ventured out so see my old work colleague and fellow drinking enthusiast Mark from Southend College about my film project that I am doing in Feb.  he is a good dude and it was fun to pick his brains and catch up with him.  The afternoon talks quickly degenerated into full blown drinks and I ended up in the railway drinking with other people till last orders.  It was freezing cold and even the walk home from the station was enough to give me a proper cold that I still haven’t shaken off fully.

Saturday was a lovely day.  I felt a bit ill and the snow made me instinctively hurry back to my reclusive nature.  But I had to be brave, it was Russell Kane’s Wedding to Sadie.  It was a really great and fun time.  I don’t want to write too much about it as it is not my place to speak of others special days but, suffice to say, despite my hangover and possible pneumonia I had a great time and it was an awesome party.  And, yes, she looked lovely…

Other than that I am currently in the process of working out how to exchange my skills for money – I think they call it ‘work’.  I have none.  It is all pretty dire and I am at the ‘I’m sure I could get away with some crime’ stage of financial desperation.

I really shouldn’t do comedy.  If you largely fail at everything you do like I do then Comedy is just awful for your self esteem.  People won’t pay you, people won’t book you, people won’t audition you, people won’t showcase you and then if you get any of those things then the audiences can hate you.  I am currently trying not to get too carried away with the ‘fact’ that everyone else has a CBBC gig and I don’t.  Especially as Stu is off up Scotland for three months doing a show because the producers came to see Kiosk and liked him and not me – this is not an isolated incident, everyone with money and opportunity likes Stu more than me.  That’s how the professional business works and I accept that, it just makes me realise that I am not really thick skinned enough to do comedy for a job.  I don’t get jealous of everyone’s success, I don’t begrudge anyone fame or fortune, I just get completely psychologically crushed when things happen that I was never even considered for and I feel like giving up – which is a difficult mindset to talk yourself out of when the reason you feel like that is because you can’t get any work because no one wants to use for anything like they seemingly use every single other comedian.  Back to recluse/shut in again, I fear – seems I can’t quit till someone would give a shit that I have…

I also realised that nine times out of ten the only reason I carry on doing anything is out of sheer spite and that is not really the best way to proceed with your career.  I really don’t think your ultimate aim in life or business should be getting to a stage where you can legitimately tell everyone to go fuck themselves, even if it has been festering in you for about 12 failure heavy years.

Anyway, never mind all that inner turmoil and misery now.  I am making a film in Feb that should be awesome and exciting and lots of interesting and talented people have signed on to help out so exciting times are ahead.  I really can’t wait to do it!  Now all I need is some money…