NOM

I don’t know what it is about this word, if word is what it is, that makes me so furious.

For those of you that don’t know NOM, it’s a textual and vocal appreciation of food. For example, “let’s go get some chips. I love chips – Omnomnomnomnom”

And when I hear this I find I have an instinctive, knee jerk reaction of fury.

Omnomnomnomnom, Omnomnomnomnom, Omnomnomnomnom, Omnomnomnomnom

I could punch the person saying it.  Even my friends. I really could. It boils my blood in ways I can’t even begin to describe or, more importantly, explain.  I have no idea why this word and its usage annoys me to the degree that it does, I only know it really does.  When I hear people using it I stand back, agog, thinking “why are you saying that, what’s wrong with you?” and I do mean “what’s wrong with you” in a genuine sense of confusion and concern. NOM flares up within me such strange feelings of disappointment and bewilderment at a perfectly normal person briefly but suddenly becoming a simpering imbecile.  If I know the person I can’t help but think less of them. It quickly passes but I can’t ever really let go of the experience and always at the back of my mind is the knowledge that this person I know is a NOMMER. Our relationship is tarnished.

To best explain how I feel, I ask you to remember the film Groundhog Day. You know the bit where Bill Murray meets Ned Ryerson and he says about how the thing about insurance is you could always use some more and then he says “am I right or am I right? Or am I Right. Right right. R-r-r-r-r-r-r-r” and he basically starts barking like a dog saying Right.  That’s what it’s like for me hearing NOM. It’s like being stuck talking to Ned Ryerson everyday condensed into a 3 letter word. All NOMMERS are forever Ned Ryerson.

It’s like that song you can’t stand. The song you hear that makes you want to leave the room. That’s what NOM is to me, it’s a one syllable word that hits me like I’ve just had to stand there and listen to Living on a Prayer, Summer of 69 and I believe I can fly one after the other. That’s what NOM does to me.  It’s like I have gone round a friend’s house for a film night and they have made us watch both St Trinnians films and they love both of them. I’ll forgive them and I’ll move on, but I’ll always remember that they did that to me.

NOM doesn’t have any of the usual triggers for things that make people annoyed. It has nothing to do with class, race, youth, sexuality, gender, religion, philosophy, fashion, music, art, film, TV, literature or even grammar – so I know it isn’t because I am prejudiced against a certain group, so why does it annoy me so? It’s like I believe that everyone is entitled to their beliefs and their lifestyle choices but no one is entitled to a NOM.  Why do I want to shake the person so hard that I rid them of the NOM like a misguided religious zealot might want to shake one he feels is possessed by spirits? I don’t know, but I really do. I want to grab the person and shake the stupid out of them. But not all the stupid.  I can forgive almost any other fault a person may seem to have. I just want to rid them of the NOM.

I don’t even get annoyed with lol, OMG or text speak. I don’t use it and don’t see the point, but it doesn’t irritate me. I don’t even get all that pissy about your/you’re type things. Just NOM.

They have just called a yoghurt Nom and I really want to punch someone because of it and I just don’t know why? I wouldn’t be annoyed if they opened a comedy club called LOL or ran a news website called OMG! So why does NOM annoy me?

I am writing this blog really without answers. I can offer no solution to the problem.

Maybe when I was young I had a bad experience with a NOMMER and I have blocked it out and NOM is now some trigger word to a bad place. I don’t know. All I know is I hate it and ask all of you to respect my beliefs and never NOM in front of me again.

Oh, by the way, the correct response to liking food is MMMMmmmmmmm

Idiots!