Hello,

Well, what a lovely Christmas that was.  I had a lovely time at my cousin’s house eating too much, drinking a lot and devising practical jokes with the kids to play on my aunty.  Certainly my favourite was the grapefruit cordial instead of rosé.  Boom!  Take that Aunty…

I ate so much food on Boxing Day that I had to lay down after my lunch to let it digest.  I almost went into a coma so that my body could process all that had been consumed.  When I got in on Boxing Day evening I couldn’t sleep for much the same reason.  I actually couldn’t sleep because my body was focusing all it’s attention on processing the food and drink in my system.  Brilliant!

Managed to avoid watching much television as well, which was great.  I can’t watch television anymore.  Everything about it irritates me.  If I don’t really, really want to watch it then I go straight to the other extreme of I can’t stand it.  I can’t just have it on in the background as noise, I would rather have it switched off and not deal with it at all.  I just hate watching TV.  This is always tricky when people want to watch things as I am aware that it is me being a misery and I shouldn’t inflict my misery on the others.  Thankfully the programmers this year saved me a lot of grief by putting bugger all on for even the most casual viewer to enjoy so the telly stayed off.

I managed to avoid watching Dr Who, which I don’t watch anymore anyway.  However, I couldn’t avoid watching Catherine Tate’s Christmas Special and the Ant and Dec House Party thing.  Now, Ant and Dec is not my cup of tea but it was certainly consistent in tone and content to the audience it was aimed at and I have to, objectively, give them that.  If you are the sort of person who likes ITV and all it has to offer then Ant and Dec’s Crinkly Bottom would have been like watching a kaleidoscope of all your favourite things in one show.  Just because it is everything and everyone I hate is besides the point.  It wasn’t made for me, it was made for idiots and idiots would have been over the moon.

Catherine Tate, however, was just shit.  Inexcusably shit.  I expected nothing else as she has yet to make me laugh in anything she does and is one of the main contributing factors of my giving up on Dr Who.  The roaring way she drags out the start of any sentence that shows her credulity “GGRRRRRRYYOooou wwwwhhhhaaaattt?” to her teary eye nonsense was the straw that broke the camel’s back – a back that had only just recovered from it’s near snapping by Billie Piper. 

Her special was annoying on many levels.  It was scrooge with Nan, her ‘hilarious’ sweary old lady character that loads of people who hate swearing in comedy seem to like.  Apart from it being rubbish generally it was also rubbish in terms of comedy devices which annoyed me.  I’ll give you an example: Ben Miller appeared as the ghost who couldn’t move through walls or float so he stood on tables flapping his arms about going ‘woooo’ to prove he really could fly and was definitely a ghost. Seriously, 2009, that was one of the set pieces.  When he appeared Nana wanted proof if ID and after lots of hilarious (I am not going to continue to put hilarious in inverted commas, you know I am being sarcastic) back and forth Ben Miller proclaimed that he had a 17th century docket to which Nan replied “none of that language here”.  Now, I have three issues with this ‘joke’.  Firstly, a docket is a diary of pending court cases and therefore would not be suitable as ID.  It occasionally identifies cargo but that’s it.  It is not the passport substitute the writer clearly inferred it was.  Secondly, it doesn’t sound anything like fuck it which it is clearly supposed to sound like for the purposes of the joke.  It doesn’t even sound rude at all.  Thirdly, Nana has already said shit and fuck about three times each prior to this bit so she clearly has no issue with bad language.  So not only is that a shit joke (one of the best in the show though), it is also intrinsically flawed in its internal logic.  This is the sort of writing that plagued the show.  I have seen funnier war-zone reportage.

People always wish we could go back to the sort of entertainment that they remember from their youth but surely spending a fortune on lazy shows that use lame jokes that were first written in the 60s is not really a solution…

Still, I quite enjoyed the MGM musicals Proms thing despite not knowing any of the songs till the last quarter of the show. Just amusing to see Seth MacFarlane singing show tunes.  Think the make up people over did the fake tan, though.  Seth and Curtis Stigers were so orange it looked like they were about to present Loose Women.  Yeah, see – I can do real comedy…

That’s all from me. 

I was going to discuss Essex and Twitter but I think I will do that tomorrow…

Have been snowed in since Thursday.  I ventured out Monday and lost my phone, but found it again outside my house frozen like Jerry in the Christmas Eve Tom and Jerry cartoon and left it on the heater to dry out.  My sim is not damaged but the phone is dead as disco.  Till replacement can be found I am really only contactable via cyberspace

Well, I am not up to date on all my xmas shopping.  Quite easy to do really given that we have all decided to not get anything for each other this year to save money.  One quick trip to Tescos and I was done. How glamorous – I don’t even go to tescos to buy food yet all my presents gleaned from their shelves.  I am not made for Xmas shopping.  I hate crowds, I hate queues and I hate Xmas songs.  Even the 45 minutes I was out for the only shopping trip I made this xmas I was nearly psychotic by hearing all the warbling, awful Christmas songs.  Christmas itself I quite like but if that singer got his wish and it was xmas everyday would we only ever hear xmas songs on the radio?  I think I would take up arms if that were the case…

As I am always up late I watched Michael Palin on Hardtalk on BBC2.  What was odd was that for a show called Hard Talk the questions were pretty bloody lazy, harmless and unoriginal.  I know Michael Palin is a lovely man by all accounts and not likely to be a firebrand of political or personal opinion but as a fan of python I could have gone on in his place and answered all his questions for him as there wasn’t a single question I hadn’t heard Palin and the other pythons get asked at least 10 times by interviewers not claiming to offering “Hardtalk”.  The man asking questions just had a serious, barking voice in which he asked the questions Would Python get made now?  Life of Brian was a bit controversial wasn’t it?  Hard Talk indeed…

Just got interrupted in writing this by a another bloody telesales call.  Wrote a huge blog about how much I hate telesales and cold callers but because nearly all my cold callers are Asian it was nearly impossible to explain my hatred of cold callers without incorrectly sounding racist, which I am not.  It’s not the ethnicity of the employees that that annoys me it’s the job call centres do.  But because I really, really hate call centres phoning me up the bile may appear to be misplaced.  Phoning me up to ask me to take part in a survey and then not getting off the phone just boils my blood.  I am so rude to call centres.  I surprise even myself.  This happened not 15 minutes ago and I am usually worse…

“Hello”
“Is Jonathan Sandling there?” 
“No, he’s not in at the moment”
“Are you related to Jonathan?”
“Yes”
“May I take your name”
“No”
“Are you over 18 years old?”
“Yes”
“How old are you?”
“I am not telling you”
“Are you related or just a friend”
“Why?”
“Well maybe you can help me”
“Probably not if you just want to sell me something”
“I don’t want to sell you something, I just want your opinion”
“Believe me, you don’t”
“Well when will Jonathan be back?”
“I don’t know, is it important or are you just wasting our time.”
“When would be a good time to call back?”
“Well, if it’s important I’ll take a message and get him to call you right now – if it’s urgent but if all you are going to do is waste his fucking time then never is a good time to call him back.  Never.”
“Oh…Okay…Would you maybe be-”
“Oh fuck off!”
 
Phone down quick check on 1471 to find the number has been withheld.  Course it has, imagine if we got hold of their number and called them up at an inopportune moment and wasted their time.

The other thing that I hate is when my bank or credit card phone me up so naturally I take the call thinking it might be about my overdraft or something important and then it transpires they are just trying to get me upgrade or get some insurance or something and my account is all in order and I have nothing to worry about.  That doesn’t happen all that often because I don’t ever give out my home number and never answer private/withheld numbers on my mobile.

Have made two awful Christmas gaffs this year.  I keep wishing people a merry xmas with the additional “whatever it is you do” meaning that I have no idea what they, as an individual, do for xmas and that I wish them to have a good time whatever it is they will be doing.  However, due to crossed purposes I have seemingly offended at least three Jewish people who thought I meant “Have a merry xmas, whatever it is you do.  You know, as a people.  I mean, I don’t know.  Can you get Kosher Turkeys? Don’t get upset with me, come on, let’s be honest, you did kill Santa”.  Also, in my predictive text ICY and GAY are the same.  So let’s add homophobia to the list of things I am not yet seem to have been this Christmas when I texted people complaining that “I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING BEING DANGEROUSLY GAY!”.  Isn’t Ricky Gervais a millionaire by pretending this sort of thing happens to him?  Why do I have to actually endure these gaffes and remain penniless?

 

Have no more professional work booked in till the New Year so will have to find things to do to pass the time while I am on my sabbatical.  I think I will write a play, do some more music, watch some films, plough through some TV shows and sort out the film I am making in Feb.  Check that bad boy out here http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/group.php?gid=219504279328&ref=ts

 

 

Hello,

I am not writing in a sarcastic tone designed to infer any of you are idiots and that I know best (for a change) but I have finally got round to watching Battlestar Galactica as everyone has been going on about how good it is for years.  I have watched the feature length pilot and about 7 or so episodes of the first series and I really, really want to know this: When is it going to get good?

I genuinely want to know what is going on with the show.  Millennium, one of my favourite shows ever, took about 13 episodes to really get into its stride and even then it was series II that was the thing you were waiting for so I don’t mind persisting to be rewarded but so far NOTHING is happening in Battlestar.  I am not engaged or entertained at all and am only watching it because I have been promised the sci-fi experience of my life by the entire planet and I want to be up to speed when that kicks in.  Is it going to kick in?

All that has happened is that a small band of survivors float about in space having survived humanity’s genocide by robots.  So, every episode so far has largely been about the socio-political ramifications of this.  It’s not fun.  There isn’t any Space adventure stuff to enjoy.  I suppose it’s trying to be a drama, but it isn’t dramatic or gripping or interesting.  As a fan of Cold War thrillers and British Dramas of the 70’s/80’s I love nothing more than watching people sit around and have a chat but this is just talk.  There is no drama.  Everyone is playing it straight and acting like this is a serious work dealing with serious themes but there is nothing dramatic ever happening.  It probably doesn’t help that the Cylons are both lame and non existent.  The villains of the piece are shit and don’t even appear or do anything in most episodes

All the characters are largely unlikeable.  Well, not unlikeable, but there are no actively likeable characters and I couldn’t give two shits what happens to any of them.  Honestly, if the cylons did ever turn up and kill everyone I would be quite glad because the remainder of the human race are all bland, annoying pricks.  None of the characters are memorable or exciting.  There aren’t any ‘cool’ characters to get behind and root for.  There are no Avons or Picards.  I have watched 7 hours or so of it and apart from about three characters I can’t remember anyone’s name as they just aren’t memorable as actors or characters.

Starbuck just goes out of her way to be a prick about everything and is NOT an anti-hero, she isn’t sticking it to the man and dancing to her own tune, she’s just an irritating, arrogant dickhead.  I suppose in the script she is supposed to be ‘strong’ but she is not Maverick, she is Ice Man – and we all hate Ice Man, because he’s a prick….

The Saucy Cylon in the head of the Doctor was tiresome after the first episode.  I suppose she’s supposed to be a sexy space vamp/femme fatale but it’s just dull and irritating. 

No one else is memorable enough to get a mention…

It’s like watching 24 but never leaving the white house, with the occasional CTU romance bullshit.  What this show needs is some Jack Bauer character sorting out some shit.  Or some adventures.  Or dare I say it, to boldly go somewhere and do something.  Anything.  At the moment it’s like watching a day in the life of the UN – and that doesn’t interest me in real life…

People tell me it is really doing interesting stuff and furthering sci-fi but apart from making missiles fly in a bit of a curve I haven’t seen anything yet that I haven’t already seen done better or more effectively previously.  As a fan and viewer of Blake’s 7, all Star Trek, Babylon 5, Farscape, Firefly, Stargate and Lexx I have seen all of this done already with a lot more fun and drama and with better ideas.  It only appears to be the budget that is superior in BG.

Is this show, as it is, the thing that is supposed to be awesome?  Is it never going to turn into a high calibre action adventure show?  I know a lot of people who like it and know their interests and I know they aren’t going or orgasm about a show that spends a whole 42 minutes dealing with people looking for water and finding it while nothing genuinely dramatic or fun occurs.

Now, it could be, as is often the case with a lot of things I don’t like that other people really like, that I have seen this sort of thing done many times previously and they haven’t.  For Example, I usually own all the films Tarantino rips off for his films and find I would rather re-watch those than his ham-fisted attempt to ‘do’ them because I have seen it already and like what has already been done.

But I don’t believe this to be the case across the board with BG as people will have watched Sci-Fi before but The socio-political drama is nowhere near as good as Babylon 5, Voyager and Deep Space Nine which deals with much of the same themes and problems.  The characters aren’t as well drawn or interesting as Blake’s 7, Firefly, Lexx or Star Trek, all of which have the right blend of Good guys, heroes, anti heroes, warriors, love interests and comic relief.  The stories, adventures and sci-fi are practically non existent up the point I am at presently – even the 45 minute episodes of Star Trek where they have to adjudicate Land right issues are better than this and, as I said before, The Cylons are shit and completely non threatening or scary.  There isn’t time to list all the pre-existing villains that they are not as good as, but suffice to say, it includes the 1978 cylons.

As I say I am not trying to be contentious or sarcastic, I am ready and willing to love this show and get swept up in its awesomeness.  I genuinely want to know what is good about it and when it will kick itself up a notch because everyone has been banging on for years about how awesome and life changing it is but so far I haven’t even found it average…

Hello, I am currently snowed in.  Not that i really mind as I have lots of things to watch and do at home.  It's not even that bad but I am not risking the journey to London in this...

So, what have I been up to?  Well, me and Stu had two great gigs with The Amatuer Transplants who I had never seen live before and I thoroughly enjoyed the gig as a whole, Kiosk's contribution and the Amateur Transplants.

I have finished watching Firefly.  Good stuff.  Everyone is happy that I am watching something by Joss Whedon.  Apparently, you aren't allowed to be into sci-fi/fantasy and think that both Buffy and Angel are a load of toilet.  yet I do. I really do.  I haven't managed to get through an episode of it yet.  I just can't stand watching it.  I can't quite put my finger on what it is but given that Buffy is the model for RTD's Dr Who and I hate that too, I am sure I am at least consistent...

Is anyone watching Paradox?  is it any good?  The trailer and casting suggests not but so did the trailers for Life on mars and that was ACE!  I find it ironic that the show is about working out whether you should get involved in something terrible or not as every time I see the trailer I feel like I only have days to stop it being shown. 

Given the BBC's recent record on sci-fi I am slightly dreading the new Day of The Triffids.  It's possibly my favourite book ever written.  It has my favourite ever opening paragraph to a book.  The casting of the new one is good but what with Dr Who, Torchwood, Survivors, Paradox and the recent Dracula updates etc, I just think it's going to be awful.  Poorly made but still popular tripe.  I won't watch it, but please feel free to let me know if I should catch it once it has been on.  If you haven't read (or seen) Day of the triffids I recommend doing so.  The film is not very good but the original BBC series from 1981 is really, really good.  A bit slow by today's standards and expectations but solid nonetheless.  If you know nothing of Day of the Triffids, it's 28 days later with plants instead of Not Zombies.  And I mean it's exactly like 28 days later to the point where I am surprised that The Estate of John Wyndham didn't sue.  Day of The Dead Triffids would have been a better title...

Facebook have started turning themselves into Myspace and trying to annoy us into jumping ship.  Or have they?  is it not just a storm in a tea cup all this privacy settings nonsense?  I am never one to say "well if you have nothing to hide, what are you worried about" because I hate people that stupid and dangerously complacent about trusting power mad loons with their personal information.  But, that said, This privacy issue is, like most political stuff issues, something I don't really care about or understand.  As a frequent googlebater I often check to see if anyone is mentioning me or my work across the globe and I usually end up finding guestbook entries I wrote when I was 19 years old. because of this I have always treated my online contribution as something everyone can see and so assumed these privacy settings were already in place anyway.  Frankly, it's a shock to know they weren't.

I have a great solution to the privacy settings issue.  If you want to avoid any issues with privacy then the easiest and simplest way to avoid all of this worry and grief is to make it compulsory to add your mum as a friend.  That way you will never put any status updates out there or upload any photos etc you aren't happy for anyone to see.  That would just save an awful lot of bother.  You know what, If I am happy for my mum to read it then I am happy for the CIA to read it.  Obviously, I don't actually want the CIA reading my stuff but as I continue to use Facebook and google despite knowing that the CIA run it and read it all the time then it would be ridiculous to get annoyed that all the world can see my stuff when I am usually only promoting the gigs I am doing in order to get global recognition (or to tell you I am hungover).  People should have a bit of restraint in what information they freely share about themselves.  If you are going to go online with status updates like "Results came back positive, how am I going to tell Jane?" or upload an album of yourself at the abortion clinic then privacy settings won't help you - you are an idiot with no sense of what is appropriate.  Yes, the privacy things are confusing and probably a violation of civil/human something or other but a bit of self restraint and not being a prick about it and it won't make any difference.  It hasn't to me.  I hope the CIA and MI5 are as excited as I am about making the film in February that I am making.  I hope they will be coming to the FIX benefit that I am hosting on Monday at the Bloomsbury Theatre. 

I am being facetious of course, but do consider that not everyone out there needs to know the minutiae of your every waking moment, especially if it involved something contentious or libellous or personal.  I am all for a running twitter commentary as you highlight your day (I am following you of my own free will after all) but, for example, when you are on the C2C from Benfleet all the way to Fenchurch Street, perhaps that 42 minutes could be better spent than loudly discussing your sister's miscarriage and your divorce on your mobile phone or loudly complaining about something and repeatedly giving out your credit card details for us all to hear all the while shouting down the phone at some call center drone who, like everyone in the carriage, wishes you would would just shut up and fuck off as we couldn't care less.  For example.  Perhaps you shouldn't go on national television to have an argument with your spouse about his/her cheating on you.  Perhaps there are things that you should keep to yourself and discuss with your friends and family in private.  The sort of things privacy settings wouldn't affect.  It's just a thought...

Am a bit concerned about my mental state.  Not genuinely worried like it's time to book myself into a looney bin or anything, but I am feeling a bit odd.  I think it's because of the music I am doing.  Basically I have found myself feeling compelled to keep writing and recording music on my computer.  And I really do mean compelled.  I had no gigs Sunday, Monday, Tuesday so I spent almost the entire time I was awake drinking coffee and composing music.  Music that is about Space and the Fear, Apprehension and isolation one will very likely experience whilst in space for whatever reason you are travelling the galaxies for.  This is not a metaphor for my life by the way, although now I come to think of it I do sit in all day on my own recording this stuff...I don't really know why I am writing it, it's not as if anyone has asked me to or when it is done will ever want to hear it or, heaven forbid, buy it - yet record it I must.  I MUST.  If that wasn't enough existential burden, I am spending my free time away from the music finishing off the Illuminatus! Trilogy, a largely inaccessible yet completely gripping, fascinating and amazing tale of Conspiracy Theories which, so I have been told via people and the internet, is one of (if not the) first book to popularise these conspiracy theories and bring Esoterica to a more general audience.  It meanders in and out of 1st - 3rd person narratives and often when it is 1st person you have no initial idea who is speaking.  The time line is skewed and confusing, yet it is really fascinating reading. I only mainly started reading it because it was a huge influence on The KLF who are one of my favourite bands of all time.  I have all their stuff - some of it rare/banned and on vinyl...Mu Mu land, The Jams, "everyone lie down on the floor and keep calm" is all in the book.  A proper good read, albeit an occasional struggle.  If those two things weren't enough, when I finish and I am relaxing before I go to sleep I am watching Fringe, the X-Files style drama series about Fringe/pseudo science, government conspiracies and alternate dimensions.  I'm not getting carried away believing all the nonsense, I do not hold Fringe or The Illuminatus! trilogy up as Gospel truth but they do both contain interesting ideas about what's 'really' going on and, to be fair, I really find that sort of 'philosophy' fascinating.  I love all that shit!

I have also decided to spend all of February making a film.  Again, there is no real point to it, no one has asked me to and there is no money in it but I feel like it would be a great thing to do.  It's part of a competition like the 48 hour film challenges but this one is 28 days and you must complete a feature.  The feature must be inspired by B-Movies and I know no more than that yet.  I am very much looking forward to making a ridiculous piece of digital cinema for a whole month.

Other than that just plodding along.  Must dash, got a good idea for a riff...

Friday was exactly as planned.  A night in eating Chinese food and watching the 3.5 hour version of Watchmen with the Black Freighter inserted.  This also meant we got to see a lot more of the Newspaper stand stuff which was nice and there was a lot more footage in the scenes I was familar with.  Two cops busting in Rorscharch when he is at the Comedians, that sort of thing.  I really like the film of Watchmen and the Comic Book too.  I really did enjoy watching yet more Watchmen I hadn't seen visualised.  Was happy they  trimmed down the mother/daughter silk spectre stuff but would have liked to have seen the Psychiatrist's descent into 'madness' included.  Would also have liked to have had the scene where Rorscharch confronts his old landlady after he breaks out of prison after she has bad mouthed him to the press and made up lies about him being a rapist etc.  That is a bit I always remember from the comic, would have been nice to see it in the film...

Once again let Dr Night Nurse tuck me in.  Awesome stuff.

In order to recuperate I spent all day Saturday making more music.  I am very happy with it.  It all currently sounds like a 70's Space Horror soundtrack, which wasn't my intention but is fine by me...

Friends 40th in the evening so spent the evening getting drunk in Leigh.  Lovely...Did that foolish thing of carrying on drinking when I got despite the fact that I had clearly had enough.  The mood and the vibe of the party was still upon me and I was still up for it so I watched Crank 2 and drank a big bottle of Kingfisher.

Sunday I woke up very hungover and still ill.  Not that ill anymore, but ill enough that my hangover didn't help at all.  Whatever I wanted for my hangover, I felt too ill to eat or drink and whatever I wanted to eat to boost my immune system I couldn't stomach.  A peculiar day to be sure...I cooked a roast dinner, which isn't something i do despite being something of a chef.  I continued to make music and began to watch Fringe which I must say i am thoroughly enjoying.  Only four episodes in but I do like the horror/sci-fi stuff.  It's basically another X-Files and has been described as X-Files Emo Cousin.  I don't really get that.  There are a lot of complicated relationships that have the potential to get in the way of the excitement but it's hardly Twilight.  The teary looking off pensively let me share your troubled past crap is very, very minor and, unlike Dr Who, isn't essentially a time filler to hide the fact that nothing exciting or interesting is happening.  Fringe has good use of nonsense as plausible premises, excellent pre-title sequences and the ability to combine stand alone tales and a shadowy conspiracy at the same time which is certainly a progression from the X-files, which I absolutely love, but there was an awful lot of smoking man/black goo bollocks I just couldn't give two shits about.  I like the character and appreciate it's relevance and importance but, much like the white house stuff in 24, all it did was draw my attention away from the stuff I was watching the show for.  Who knows, I may revise this opinion of Fringe as the series progresses.  Watch this space.

Oh well, back to Music and Admin. 

BYE!

Should really blog daily, shouldn't I?

Anyway, Saturday was a nice relaxing day where I just made music all day and evening.  I created a song that combines three Goblin songs all mixed together to a beat.  I like it...Track number six on my Dance/Drum 'n' Bass album is coming along nicely.

Sunday I still felt ill and did a gig in London.  Stand up at a music night.  Now, everyone who knows comedy and music knows that stand up and live music do not work and I was fully prepared for this possibility.  I have done this gig before, as Kiosk, and it was great because the audience bought into the concept but they sadly didn't on Sunday.  Once the band finished everyone left and I played to a mostly empty room.  The only people remaining being people without English as a first language in front of me and a group of friends to my left who decided to treat my set as an extension of the preceding break and have a loud and lively catch up. So my set was me speaking over continual chit chat to vacated room. As I say, I was prepared for this so I just ploughed on through and then left to come home.

Monday I spent all day with The Twins and Elmsy filming and editing my End of the decade videos where I chose my five favourite films and summed up the decade in under 10 minutes.  Remakes, Piracy, Death of Video is the very very short version...That was fun.  I love filming stuff...

Tuesday was the final of the sitcom trial.  For some reason we had to Soundcheck at 3.20pm so I spent the following 4 hours getting drunk with Dave Jones.  We didn't win the Sit Com trials, but the most deserving one did.  I was feeling really tired and still ill from friday and not at all in the mood for it to be honest.  I did our bit and it went okay to be honest.  We got good laughs and a good reaction. Normally I would have gone out with everyone and had a good ol' piss up like I usually did bit I was just too weary.  The whole thing was finally done and dusted at 11pm and I had been in London for over 8 hours to do 10 minutes of performing.  I was in no mood to party.

Wednesday I MC'd Shepherd's Bush Studios.  It was tough.  A good bill but the audience were a bit of a struggle.  Firstly, they were all media types which, for some reason, means they are genetically predisposed to being bored, blase and disinterested in anyone and anything.  They also hadn't paid to get in as it was their work bar which also means they hadn't made the financial investment which psychologically invested their interest in the night.  These are two major problems and normally I can deal with this but tonight I was in the unfortunate position of having food poisoning.  Now, for libel reasons I don't want to put into print the name of the place I got more than I gastrically bargained for but let's just say it is a publicly funded media corporation that you have to pay a license fee to.  It was dodgy nachos and I was in pieces.  Trying to MC when all you want to do is faint, puke, poo and lie down is not a good combination.  The prospect of a two hour journey home with no chance of a trip to the loo was not a pleasant one when I left.  But I did get a chance to have a good chat with Paul Foot and Daniel Simonsen and also catch up with Alex Perry so some good did come of it...

Thursday I had to be up early as me and Stu had a meeting in London with TV people.  Can't say too much about it, mainly because it isn't something I envisage even being in with a shout for.  The gig would be a presenting Job for Kiosk as Kiosk.  We both felt it went well but we are already preparing not to be disappointed when Jack Whitehall and Tom Deacon get it instead...Got through the meeting by using cake and caffeine to stave off my feelings of sickness and imminent collapse.  Went home and took it easy (passed out).

Today I did some filming for a project that Tony Way is putting together.  Good fun and a good bunch of people involved.  Again I had to be up early to go to London and again I still feel ill.  I am home now and looking forward to a Chinese Take Away and The Directors Cut of Watchmen with the black freighter cut in.

Doing the maths I haven't felt well for over a week now and I haven't had a good gig since Perfect Movie.  I don't know if both are related or what I can do about either.  Have a few days off from gigging now so must try to get myself in order to rock hard through Xmas...

Well this week has been better - sorry not to blog more regularly, I am new to it...

Tuesday was perfect Movie which, if you don't know, is the film based comedy night I run in London where comedians have to turn up and do film based material which is often specially written for the night.  The night ends with a special guest choosing their five favourite scenes from films:- fav opening, fav ending and three scenes in between.  We talk about them and then act them out thus letting the guest be in their own perfect movie.  It is a lot of fun and I am very happy with how the night has come together.  The Green Man, the new Venue is a great place to do it, the audiences have been good both numberswise and reactionwise and the acts have all brought their A-game - which is very good indeed.  This was the last one before Xmas break and it went really well.  I even managed an off the cuff tirade about how great David Bowie's 1.Outside album is.  I am glad I filmed it so I can see what I said...

I had got lost on my way to the venue as it is in Fitzrovia and I came in from Oxford Circus way, which I don't normally do, and got completely bloody lost.  So up to the point 20 minutes before the show started I was still in a furious bloody mood.  As if by magic, a sudden intake of Cider and lots of friends and unknowns turning up to support my show and I wasn't in a mood any more.  How fickle we performers are...

Wednesday was the last ever showing of Kiosk of Champions Edinburgh show at the Pleasance, Islington.  It was a bit of an anti-climax for me.  It wasn't hugely turned out and the majority of people who were there were friends or family we had blackmailed into seeing it.  It wasn't a bad show by any means and me and Stu were on good form, but I couldn't shake the sensation that this was a bit of a waste of time.  We had a really good Edinburgh, sold out every day except for one, got a slew of 4 star reviews in broadsheets, had comedians and performers watching it and telling us how much they liked it.  I was left in no doubt during Edinburgh that we had a good show and a successful one.  As fun as Wednesday was, I just couldn't help but feel it was a let down from that.  Well, I was feeling let down.  Stu was, rightly, not upset as it was a good gig and we had fun.  It was one of those gigs where you turn up and find out all the Industry has bailed out of seeing it.  Which is not the end of the world but I'm not doing this for my health.  All I could think before we went on to 20 people we all knew that included no actual punters or industry was "4-star reviews in broadsheets, glowing reviews in the wording, Edinburgh sell out everyday - what more are we supposed to do to get anyone to give a shit about us?".  Which isn't really the attitude to take to the stage with you.  Mind you, if any Industry had come it would only have been like it always is.  1) they leave and obviously don't like it or think they can't do anything with us or 2) they like Stu and not me. 

Ah, comedy, why do you fill me with self doubt and jealousy and force me to only focus on the negative truths?

Plus, on top of that I had new correspondence with my landlord about Edinburgh, which was also hampering my newly found good mood.  I took the brave stance of not reading the email as I was in a good mood and didn't want it ruined by an email that would obviously annoy me.  Thing is, despite not reading it, the knowledge of having that email to read and all the possibilities of what it could contain were enough to cloud my mind.  An unopened email that you know will be something you don't want to read is like an ailment you should see a doctor about but don't because, although you know it is something that definitely needs to be checked out, once you visit your doctor you will only have your worse fears realised - so you do nothing...

Sorted it all out on Thursday.  Well, I say sorted, what I actually did was find out that despite being completely in the right regarding the unfair charges I am being raped for there is a whole slew of paperwork that suggests otherwise and I don't have a leg to stand on.  I just have to take it and, given the way I have been done over for no reason other than I could be done over, I imagine I am supposed to like it too.  Now, you are probably expecting a list of the ensuing Hulk-like  carnage I caused given how I seem to go ape-shit over badly parked cars and the like, but the truth is I was okay.  Disappointed, sure, but the realisation that even if you try and fight unfairness and do everything in your power to get the justice you deserve you will still get fucked over, that trying is for suckers and you should just not bother wasting anyone's time complaining about unfairness had a strangely calming effect on me which was almost zen like.  What I realised was almost mathematical in it's simplicity.  Getting stressed and angry and upset while phoning, writing and  complaining about this to everyone and anyone who could help with info and advice to fight this unfairness = same end result as doing fuck all about it and just accepting life is just one big fiscal rape where people will do what they like to you and you can't do anything about it.  I know what I'll do next time I get ripped off, I will apologise and ask them if there is anything else I can do to make their life more comfortable at my expense. 

What would Ghandi do?  Hate black people and get blown up.  Neither very useful in this situation.  Thanks for nothing Ghandi!

Anyway, onto the evening and a new gig in Hackney that was great fun.  I was allowed free beer all night so I took full advantage of that.  FULL ADVANTAGE.  It was a pub my mum used to drink in when she was growing up around that area.  I felt a bit like I was on Who do you think you are doing some research into my heritage.  Good fun had by all.

Yesterday I felt a bit ill.  Not ILL ill, just, y'know, Ill.  Run down.  Like I had Edinburgh flu coming on.  Drove to Camden for Fix gig and as soon as I got in the car felt just awful.  The 2 hour journey to Camden because of traffic and accidents where everyone out and about was driving like a prick and doing everything that makes you hate drivers when you are on the road wasn't the best thing for my burgeoning illness.  Neither was the 1.45 hour drive home because of traffic and accidents and people driving like pricks.  Driving for 3.45 hours to do 10 minutes in Camdem all the while feeling like I may very likely faint at any given moment was not one my more pleasurable experiences but I had a light at the end of the tunnel.  A beacon of awesome at the end of the road, getting me through it.

NIGHT NURSE

Oh yes!  If there is anything more wonderful than Night Nurse I have yet to experience it.  When you feel ill and need to get sorted (and haven't got to wake up early the next day) night nurse is the shit!  I got straight in, had me night nurse, got to bed and, perhaps ironically, watched Crank as the sedatives and medicine took hold and I gradually relaxed into a deep and peaceful slumber.  I woke up today feeling the most rested I have felt in ages and will no doubt use this new sense of peace and not gigging tonight to do something worthwhile.

To be honest, I'll just get drunk somewhere...

For some reason I have been in a terrible mood all week and this week, in return, hasn't helped my mood along.

Wednesday with pappy's and The Three Amigos was great fun and yet I was in such a mood somehow I woke up Thursday with the feeling that somehow it hadn't gone well when it clearly had.  Idiot!

Now I have never been one to ever say, even in jest, Everything that could go wrong went wrong because there is never a situation where everything that could go wrong goes wrong and nine times out of ten when anyone tells you their tale of misery where 'everything that could go wrong went wrong' they usually tell you a story about issues and situations that wouldn't even cause you to break a sweat if you had to deal with it and you end up envious of their wonderful sheltered life where such a naive understanding of just how bad things can go seems to get them through their day...

However, I nearly came close to that on Thursday.  In fact, it was only crashing my car, getting a speeding ticket, breaking down or being stuck on traffic that could have increased the annoyance of every single aspect of Thursday.

It wasn't so much that everything that could go wrong went wrong, it was more like everyone and everything went out of its way to antagonise, infuriate and hamper my attempts at just getting on with what I had to do

I woke up and tried to print a letter, my printer wasn't working.  When I got it to work it told me I was out of ink.  This meant I had to then drive to Tescos in Pitsea to buy some ink - something I did not want to do and couldn't afford to do.  There was no petrol in the car so I had to put petrol in the car to be able to go to Pitsea to buy the ink.  Tescos was thankfully non problematic although for some reason a likely lad was singing 'show me the way to go home' whilst serving on the till which amused everyone working there and seemed to bewilder and annoy all the customers...I was too angry to take an instant dislike to him.

The only reason I needed the the Ink was so that I could send a letter threatening to take my Edinburgh landlord through the Small Claims Court if they don't stop trying to charge me a considerable sum unfairly.  This after a week of phoning Citizens Advice Brigade, The Edfringe Office and Edinburgh Council to get information as to how to proceed.  So you can imagine how annoying it was to get back and on switching on my computer find that the printer was now working fine and had plenty of Ink in it.  Meaning I didn't need the Ink at all.  Didn't have to go to Tescos.  All I needed to do was to differentiate between the legitimate NO INK warning and an inanimate objects hilarious practical joke on me. 

So then the simple task of getting into my email to find the address for my letter.  Yep, you guessed it.  The internet wouldn't connect.  No matter what I tried and how many times I restarted the Computer, tweaked options, date, time etc it would not connect to the internet.  After 35 minutes of restarting and loud outbursts of swearing suggesting that the computer was a fornicating lady's part I decided to go for the old faithful device of system restore.  And I must say it worked a treat - on the seventh time of doing a system restore as the computer could not be restored to the previous 6.

Hurrah!  Off down to the Bank and Post office before both close (it had taken that long to sort it out) and in the bank I was stuck behind three 'yoofs' getting a ridiculously convoluted amount of change for god knows what.  I wasn't there from the start of the transaction but the look on the face of the cashier was enough to confirm to me what their voices, clothes, ring tones and phone conversations suggested:- They were pricks who could only annoy you.

Into the post office now and the joy of being stuck behind an ebay seller getting prices for all his packages and a man posting a letter who insisted upon talking in great length about how much he was looking forward to Children in Need.  That, I think, tells you all you need to know about him.  Looking forward to Children in Need?  Christ...

There were other things that pissed me off but the last thing I want to do is spend all the time in this blog moaning about things ;-)

As I say, not everything that could go wrong went wrong but I did nearly properly freak out twice.  If any of you have seen that clip on youtube of me and the Heckler, you will know the sort of thing I mean...

Thank God the gig was all right in the evening, even if it was a bit under attended and I was in no mood to be funny or be around comedy.

Can;t remember Friday daytime, not sure what happened.

Friday evening I got toothache (to go with my arseache) which kept me awake all night.  I woke up to go to my aunties with the family and as I left got a text from a comedian friend of mine to see if I could cover his MCing duties in Coventry if the Promoter was agreeable to this.  This came literally as I was leaving the house with my folks to get in the car.  I said I could and so I waited inside on my own to find out the details.  After about 90 minutes I called the comedian back to ask what was going on, I was told that as I hadn't been contacted by the promoter they had obviously filled it with someone else and therefore wasn't going to contact me to tell that I would not be required.  If I hadn't of chased up the original MC I would have been sitting at home for a further age waiting for the promoter to have the courtesy to keep me appraised of the situation.  I know what you are thinking "Courtesy?  In Comedy?  What are you? Seven years old?".  But sometimes something as simple as letting me know what I am doing doesn't seem a lot to fucking ask when the thing I am doing is a last minute favour.

This interspersed with further correspondence about Edinburgh flat that needs to be sorted out.

Drove very angrily to Teddington.  No speeding or tailgating due to the pitch black monsoon conditions at 3pm - sheer petty hatred for everyone on the road would have to do.  The only joy I derived was from wilfully ignoring and contradicting my Sat Nav and watching it get furious with me.  Yeah, Sat nav, now you know how I feel!

Lovely time at my aunty's when I got there and I popped round the twins on the way home too.  Lovely afternoon/evening in the end...

Today has been uneventful other than adding soundbites to my Drum and Bass Demo.

Hopefully next week will be a better one...

Wow.  We got through to the finals of the sitcom trials.  The final.  Me and Stu (and Angharad) were two of the shows to get through.  This is pretty awesome news and great for our writer but as I have never taken part in the sitcom trials I don't really know what it actually means in terms of career opportunities or anything like that.  Still, I take any victory I can get because victories are even less frequent for me than compliments so YEAH!!!  Once again there was a slight frustration from certain members of losing shows that they had spent hours and hours and hours rehearsing and blocking and getting direction and learning their lines and then we just ruck up, read it off a bit of paper and bugger off as victors.  I suppose that's understandable...Mind you, it was nice to get congratulated by the judges afterwards suggesting that our victory was definitely something they hoped for.  For some reason, the radio style seems to really excite people and we three seem to be quite good at doing it that way...

The final is on Dec 1st at the Leicester Square Theatre if you fancy coming along to watch me go into Nick Frost Overdrive to try and secure a victory.  I am looking forward to the final because I will be able to see all the other shows we are competing against.  Sadly, due to space and the fact that each show is usually sold out, it is not possible to watch the other shows so when you win or lose you have no idea what beat you or what you beat.  Should be good fun to watch the others...

I needed the win because I was in a foul mood all day Monday.  I was so annoyed after Squat betty that when I got in I watched Shooting Dogs to cheer myself up.  True.  The last thing I really wanted to do in my poor, angry, tired mood was spend £13 on  the train to do another gig I wouldn't get any money for.  Thankfully, on top of winning the heat was full of people I like from the circuit but don't really see all that often so, socially, it was also pretty awesome.

That's it really, I am now going to give my feature film script a once over to make sure it's a funny and as full of impenetrable film references as humanely possible.

Laters!